Penis on Wheels

Relationships are hard, no news there. Rara and I have been together for three years and one of the hardest aspects of living as a couple is finding other couples to hang out with. Worst case scenario: you find a couple that's cool. You share common interests. You dine, have a few drinks, maybe head back to their place and realize that you've just spent three hours with people who imagined the evening would end with a little partner swap. Best case scenario you meet a couple and find two new friends to weather the storm with. Maybe they've been through a slump and can relate when you, as a couple, inevitably do. But realistically you meet a couple and love one of them, only to have your hopes dashed because the other one is a chucklehead.

We met Andrew and Erica one summer morning while walking a cocker spaniel we occasionally dogsat. She broke her leash and ran right up to them. A conversation ensued and the seeds of a new friendship were planted. I liked Andrew, a former Marine, wrought with some overt maleness that was easily overlooked because he was just plain fun to hang out with. Unfortunately, Erica was on her quest to match wits with Rachel, a nurse. She constantly made glaringly ignorant statements like, "Female muscle tissue is different from male, it's more sensitive," and "I used to model so I know the human body." Yeah, like porn stars know how to screen for prostate enlargement.

We lost touch. Well, more like, we know where they are, and it would be easy enough to call them, but I just can't watch Rachel suffer any longer.

Then there was Christine. We met her one Sunday while we were admiring Duke, a burly bulldog with an equally burly owner. Duke let us shower him with attention before sauntering off to lift his leg over a rhododendron. After his piss he spotted Daisy, Christine's skittish collie, and moseyed up to her for a ride, (you'll excuse the pun), doggie style. We exchanged pleasantries amist Duke's writhing and Daisey's whimpers, and Rachel, god bless her kindness, invited Christine to dinner after Duke was out of earshot.

Christine was in the mist of a sexual orientation crisis. She hit on Rachel, dated our friend Colin for three months, then left us all for a butch lesbian more manly than Colin or I put together.

Which brings us to last night. Rachel invited her friends Liz and Meagan for dinner. It might be important to mention that the last two couples have been, shall we say, heterosexually challenged. Maybe she is sending me an unconscious message: Make one false move, bucko, and I'm heading to the other side. She would be a loss my gender would miss dearly. During a friendly game of Pictionary my usual spot next to Rara was taken by Meagan in a dry run of my worst fear come true, so I took Liz's side and we proceeded to play.

The word was burst. So in an act of desperation, I drew a picture of a penis "bursting," as any man will attest to the sensation. I saw her eyebrows crinkle in confusion, or disgust, so I added a set of circles at the base to clarify. She blurted, "Penis on wheels!"

She didn't guess 'burst' before the timer ran out. But we did win by quite a large gap. I'd have to say that finding that as a couple, finding a couple to hang out with takes trial and error. And more importantly, a willingness to draw outside the lines to find that perfect fit. It's fair to say I like Liz and Meagan, even if they eye Rachel like baseball scouts eye a new recruit. But their job isn't that hard, there's no brochure needed, especially when I say things like, "No, you lesbian, those are testicles."