It's not recurring, this dream. I'm on top of a skyscraper. My crippling fear of heights is noticeably non-existent. Peering over the top, the clouds block my view of the ground. I have a distinct memory of jumping before, something I'd never do. Someone is suited up and ready. They jump as I slip off the side. I manage to grab and hold on. I hang. Clouds lick my feet. Imminent death waits to break my fall. Although my grip doesn't give, shows no sign whatsoever of giving, I know I'll die if I let go. I try to come to terms with death, a topic that permeates my waking thoughts, the idea of there being no me. I can't seem to integrate death's inevitability into my psyche. It seems so implausible, and yet...
I don't fall but wake with a start.
In the past year I have become truly lost.
I have no idea what turn to take next. The sign at the crossroads points in all directions, so therefore, at none.
It's all about choices, but choices are about options.
School? A Masters? In what? I'd love to teach but can't have my record sealed until 2017.
I'd love to write more books, but the process is so maddeningly slow.
I'm starting to crack.
Can anyone help me figure out what to be now that I've grown up?
5 comments:
See, I was thinking that in the first week of January you would be writing about resolutions, or fitness goals, or "look how far I've come"...
I was not expecting whining!
Keep doing what you're doing, it's coming together for you.
Bryan you seem to be having a rough time I hope you follow the right path. Because for me I would love to read your book soon! I am going through a tough time now and I've noticed that taking it a little at a time really helps even in the face of a death. Hang In there friend!
It was nice to see you to, and yeah i understand i could tell you were kind of busy or else i would have stopped to talk to you, plus i wasn't really sure if you knew who i was...
anyways, thanks. Yeah i like to write
and you should keep posting to, when is your book coming out? i'm looking forward to reading it,
hey Brian!!
you talked at my school today and your story touched me. Some of the same problems have happened/ are happening in my family.I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for what you had to go through and you have come so far that you should be proud of yourself. You have to be a really strong person to overcome what you have gone through. I'm gonna tell my friends about you and tell them to become a follower because you deserve to be happy. Stay positive and keep doing what you are doing, something great will happen to you.
What to do next? Farm. Ice, perhaps.
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