Word Jumble

In high school, when I wasn't being admonished for my deplorable behavior, a teacher would actually try to reach out to me. Sophomore year, an English teacher pulled me aside and used the gentle approach, to which I responded favorably. He said, "You know, they say English is one of the hardest languages to learn." To which I responded, "What do I care, I'm never going to England."

He was right, of course. There are inconsistencies in the language that are maddening, redundant, and sometimes just plain stupid. Case and point---Oxymorons. A short list of my favorites include:

Free Gift
Business Ethics
Military Intelligence
Civil Disobedience
Daily Special
Female Gunman
Spendthrift
Prison Life
Freezer Burn
Gun Safety

But my absolute favorite is Passive Aggressive. It attempts to join complete polar opposites, and it's just so fabulous at explaining what I do so perfectly.

Last week I had lunch with Dad. In an attempt to keep the conversation flowing, thereby avoiding awkward pauses, I asked about his knees, both of which have been replaced because of the damage caused by decades of masonry (please note that he wasn't employed as a mason, it was just a hobby).

He denies pain, but admits he still has trouble with stiffness and feels like Frankenstein when he walks, which is noteworthy because I always picture him as Darth Vader, whose ominous breathing plays whenever Dad calls my cell. I extoll the virtues of foam rolling, which helped my lower back pain, and is currently helping me regain my thoracic mobility. The idea resonates, and he asks me to show him.

Keep in mind that my motives are purely rooted in helping the man I share such a volatile history with. Deep down I admit that if it works, it would send a giant fuck you to my brother, who is seeking a degree in exercise science from UMass. I ask, "Doesn't Kev assess your tightness or suggest foam rolling?" Like a lawyer, I know the answer to my own question. If Kev had learned about foam rolling in school, he wouldn't agree with it. Hell, I didn't until I experienced it firsthand. Now I think that foam rolling could single handedly achieve piece in the Middle East. I believe that our anger is caused by the fact that we're all tight as drums. Women don't suffer as we do, Rachel foam rolls comfortably, never grimacing once.

So, today I showed Dad how to roll those pains away. When I told Rachel about it, I commented that foam rolling wouldn't work on Dad, as pure evil lubricates. I was wrong. Pure evil binds.

I killed two birds with one stone, I guess.