The Wish is Father to the Fear

"The wish is father to the fear," my therapist tells me.

I look at him quizzically knowing he'll wait patiently for me to ask outright, "What does that mean."

"That what you fear you secretly wish." he answers.

"So if I'm afraid of dying then I'm secretly wishing I'd die?" I ask, opting for the most extreme example, hoping to stump his little theory.

"Part of you, yes." He answers, flexing his unstumable brain.

"Interesting."

"Let's ally it to your example that you're afraid you'll get fired from your job. You repeatedly talk about not wanting to get fired, yet you keep getting in trouble. And if behavior reveals what a person really wants, then it stands to reason that deep down, your intention is to get fired."

"You don't seriously believe that I'm trying to get fired, do you?" I ask.

"Not consciously, no. But it's important to reiterate that 90% of all decisions are made on an unconscious level, and if that's true, then unconsciously yes, you want to get fired."

"But I don't want to get fired." I say.

"I disagree." He says.

"Dude, I'm telling you, I-don't-want-to-get-fired."

"I hear what your saying, but it's incongruent with how you act, and not wanting something to happen is different than being afraid it will happen. The wish is father to the fear."

"Stop saying that!"

"You want me to stop speaking the truth?"

"No, of course not, but...see...I'm afraid but...god damn it...you got me all fucked up." I bark.

"I'm quite sure I didn't fuck you up, someone did, but it wasn't me." he says.

"Smug prick." I mumble.

He smiles.

"OK, so I wish they'd fire me." I lie.

"Keep going." he says.

"Then I can be poor, lose my insurance, be thrown out on the street, and be a homeless loser."

"I think we've stumbled on something here." he interrupts.

"Wha?" I ask, slack jawed.

"That last part." he answers.

"Homeless loser?"

"That very last part." he says.

"Loser." I whisper.

"If you didn't unconsciously think you were a loser..." he's goading me to finish.

"Then I wouldn't wish to get fired."

He marinates me in his self righteous stare. I wonder if he can hear me berating him with every swear combination I know, and a few new ones.