The Duality Of Bry

I have two sides: one healthy, one neurotic. My healthy side sees reality clearly. My neurotic side would just assume we both perish.

Watching, as I often do, the healthy among us, I notice these forces often overlap, a true mark of balance. But historically, mine have always kept a safe distance from each other. In all the examples I can give you of either great prosperity, or great pain, only one was totally in charge.

Never both.

I imagine this has been a defense mechanism, designed to keep one completely out of harms way. But now I'm not so sure. Every instance that has caused me pain never completely healed. Because I have a belief about my pain. A belief that is faulty. And faulty beliefs cause the most havoc. If I were to heal, then I would cease to exist.

Because all that I am, all that makes me unique, will dissipate once they scar over, once I let go.

I have no experience with balance. Integration of my two sides might be my undoing. But the alternative, my world as of late, has the same consequence.

My behavior lately has cost me more than I care to assess. But loss, I'm used too. Dealing with the wreckage, not so much.  But I refuse to lay down to faulty beliefs.

Once I let go, the process begins.
I just have to let go.
It's all I have to do.
Let go.
That's it.

So what stops me?

Belief motivates behavior. To change a behavior that has helped me survive for decades is like changing what hand I write with. It takes time, courage, and faith. Traits I lacked in the past but that I try to adopt on a daily basis. I don't have to. I can bandaid it and call the past few weeks temporary insanity. But that's not going to cut it this time, I almost died.  

I'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, I have to look down at my feet, realize I'm here in this moment, and remember:

Change is optional...