There are only a few things that I’ve done for longer than a quarter century. Two come instantly to mind. One of them is inappropriate to mention here. The other is exercise, and lately, I have no desire to do so. There have been countless times that I didn’t feel like working out, but this is different. All the other times I didn’t feel like it I still did it and often got the best workout of my life, but now my lack of desire has been followed up by a lack of execution. Other than my total body class, I haven’t worked out in two weeks.
Rara wants to buy us bikes. Yeah, I’m aware it’s almost November, and so is she. If you’ve been paying attention and thank you if you have, you know Rara not only finds the best deals, she finds the best time of year to buy.
I’m encouraged. But I still feel burnt out on exercise.
And then I picked up Dad who had a total knee replacement. He recovered at a place that doubles as a nursing home. I walked through the front door and passed a man in a wheelchair sleeping, unsupervised, in the lobby. After a short elevator ride the doors opened to reveal two elderly women, one talking to the wall, the other singing to her counterpart’s back, Sinatra I think. Then I passed room after room after room of forgotten souls, some mobile, others bed-bound, all of them looked at me like I was Death, passing through, touching no one, granting no peace.
My grandmother begs my father not to commit her to one. I’m going to side with her on that one.
I’m afraid of dying.
Terrified of facing what it will be like to cease to exist.
It’s a common fear.
What trumps it is living long into my nineties, decomposing in some human warehouse.
Dear youngins, if in fifty years you’re working in one of these places and you come across me; you have my permission to smother me with a pillow.
I need to be more grateful for today, look at the trees changing, delight in the laughter of a newborn, and make sure those that matter know how much I care.
I worked out tonight, cardio and my class, and hope to do so tomorrow.
Twenty six years and counting.
2 comments:
now is a great time to buy bike particularly if you are shopping craigslist. I've seen multiple cannondale and fisher bikes in the $200 and $400 range, which is a great price for either. Of course you have to be choosy but you can get some great deals. I found a $500+ collector's item bike for $35.
It doesn't have to be over when it's over. Think about it. Great post! Years of therapy have made me more insightful as well. Can't wait for the memoir!
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