State of the Union

Rachel and I have regular talks, prompted by her, about the state of our lives together. Some of our knock down drag out brawls have stemmed from these chats, mostly due to my resistance to the change she'd like to impose. Most talks begin with a simple question that usually gets the hairs on the back of my neck to stand. She'll ask, "So, what do you see us doing with the rest of our lives?"

If my typical 'I don't know' fails to back her down, I'll try to placate her with an answer that disarms her, "We're going to try to be as healthy as possible so we can love each other longer." But this is a short term answer, providing little time to flee, or come up with something tangible. If I can't, the physicality of my depression surfaces, my shoulders slump, and my tone wanes. My one word answers are like spurts of gas on a fire. My hope is that if I piss her off enough I won't have to deal with the reality: I just don't know.

This answer worked in the past, but again, only temporarily, she'll give me my time, and space, with an assignment, "Why don't you think it over, because it's something I'd really like to discuss with you."

I've grown to hate this. Mostly because when the time she allots expires, it's talk-time cubed. This backs me further into a self imposed corner, I lash out, and we fight. It comes down to this--Because of my felonies, I find it hard to dream the way she would like us to. I feel inept because the choices I've made in the past dilute my hopes for the future. I don't want to dream for fear we'll hit the CORI roadblock and feel the pang I feel daily over the fact that I'll probably never return to being a therapist for addicts.

Our talks follow a pattern: Rachel brings up the future, I shut down, she pries me open, I admit that I feel like I'm holding us back, she comforts me, and I postpone yet another attempt to move forward. But with Rachel, it's sink or swim.

I do have a plan: I started this blog as an exercise in writing, so thank you if you're a follower. Second, it forces me to write and follow a deadline (I try hard to write every Sunday). After reading other blogs, I've realized that if you don't know me (and maybe even if you do), this is pretty boring shit. If you happened upon my blog without my prompting, please let me know, but I doubt you exist. Thirdly, I started Change is Optional because I'm rewriting my memoir. The last version garnered some attention from agents. I even signed with one last year, but let the contract run out after I realized it just wasn't good enough.

Perpetrators is almost finished. Aspiring authors write blogs because an agent's second question before offering representation is, "What's your platform for marketing this book?" Most writers mention their blog, which is a great platform if you have tons of followers who leave comments.

So please spread the word, join the blog as a follower, and leave a comment now and again to help me not only publish, but stand tall during State of the Union talks. Believe me, it helps.

PS...I told Rachel that after the book sells we'll buy a farm and I'll write about our adventures living off the land, unless we starve. I also plan to advocate for restructuring of the CORI laws, so that felons like me can spread this message, especially to kids: the consequences of your actions may reach further than you can ever imagine.

Thanks Again...